Today i am just reminded of how broken i am on the inside, and how much i need God in my life.
i am limited i must confess. in fact i need not confess, cause we all are in different ways.
i am limited in my time, physically, emotionally & mentally.
and as much as i wish i could channel all my energy into one area in my life and just do well in it, i can't. there's only this much i can do. and most of the time, i find that each time i channel more energy to a certain area in my life and things start to get better, i turn around, only to realize that i've neglected another area of my life and am lacking. i then begin to feel like a complete failure. a complete failure for what i lack.
i spent today wondering why. is it my time management? so i thought.. is it cause i'm simply below par? or is it because i'm dividing my life into too many parts and i just missed the big picture.
and i finally concluded, i am limited. yes i try my best, real hard... yet, i'm limited and i fail to meet up to expectations of those around me and even my own expectations.
i compare myself to the 2 ppl i look up to most, and wonder why they've got everything in control and i don't. when they are much older and have different roles to play in life, while i'm young and perhaps fewer roles to play. i wonder how i would be able to handle all that in future, with more roles to play.
i shed a few.. not really a few.. quite a lot of tears on my own.. and i just felt like crap. my eyes hurt, my nose was running, and i had NO Tissue. and so, all i had was my sub ways cookie wrapper.. thank God for that.
i saw 2 lil boys (prob age 2) playing together at the park i was at. but along the way, they disagreed and they both cried (like me). and the lil boys ran into the arms of their mummy and their mum just comforted them. i wished i were them. i wished someone would come up and give me a hug. and Jesus reminded me, that He was there, forever holding me in His arms like the mum did to her child. no matter where i was, how old i was, Jesus would always be there for me.
it was getting late and i thought i should go home, and so i waited till i could finally control my tears from falling. and as i looked up, i saw an eagle soar pass. and Jesus reminded me that
"9 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
i them saw a flock of birds fly pass, just like the one on our weekly happening pamphlet, and i was reminded
"25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
and i felt like Hope had arose all of a sudden. suddenly i began to see that, Yes, i am limited, and yes, i lack, but Jesus gives strength to the weak so that we may do ALL THINGS in CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME! and the weaker i am, the greater Jesus's strength will be manifested through me. He will surely deliver me.
"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
i wanna end off by saying sorry. sorry, for not meeting up to your expectations, sorry for not being there when you needed a listening ear, comfort, and advice. sorry for shutting myself out, sorry for not making time, sorry for hurting you, sorry... i am deeply sorry, pls forgive me.
i will try my best.. because you mean so much to me..
i honestly look ahead, pretty afraid, pretty afraid i would fail once more. but please know, that it is never intentional.
Jesus, help me. because without you, i can do nothing on my own. i surrender ALL. i surrender my grades, my friendships, my cell group, my family, my want to do well, my need to perform, my thoughts, my actions, my will. i surrender all, pls take over. Amen
